There were periods after the birth of my second child when I thought I might actually melt into the couch, I’d been there so long. And it wasn’t like I wanted to get up. No. I was perfectly happy to never move again even if it meant sacrificing myself to the cushions for life. I sat, dazed and sleep deprived, with giant crispy/frizzy hair (maybe a few unidentified objects tucked in here and there), smelly spit up shirts and my favorite sweatpants that were so old I had to hold them up with both hands and waddle to whatever couch or sitting spot I might have desired. It was a sight to behold, people. Then my son would rip in- full of three year old energy- jumping off of this, throwing that, screeching my ear drums out. Complaining because hes bored, crying because I won’t play Spider-Man with him. AGAIN. And I’d feel my blood start to curdle.
I don’t think there’s a way around it- parenting is brutal. We all know it, now. We invited these little chubby, cooing, cute machines into our homes completely and blissfully unaware of the two foot tall benevolent (?) dictators they would soon become. Then what did we do?
We invited another one.
They are cute, though, that’s for sure. I’ve never loved anything more purely. And if you’re already there, in kidville, why not add another one to the mix? All the little snuggles, sweet waddles, first time awe, definitely outweigh the moments when you find a room full of poop finger paint, or when they pull your skirt down (or up) amidst a room full of snickering acquaintances (happens all. the. time), or when they pee on your husbands text books (o.k. that one was hilarious.) Truth is, if you look at it as a whole its glorious! And, I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. Trick is, not to get stuck in the moments of less than sweet perfection. But, that’s another article all together.
Before baby is born:
1. Immerse Yourself in Babies– I learned this one from my sister-in-law who is a fantastic mother with three (count them- three!) children. She suggested giving my son a doll to practice on. I, instead, gave him a real live baby. For three months before Maggie was born, I babysat a little boy about three months old. It was a perfect lead in. A rare situation, I know, but think about ways you can introduce a baby into your first born’s life. Explain how to touch a baby and talk to a baby. Having a baby at our house gave Sam and I the opportunity to talk about why baby cries and how it makes us feel and why it makes us feel that way. I think, by the time Maggie came, he was ready to deal with it.
2. Plan Your Calendar- Set up some activities for the first child to look forward to after baby is born. Overnights, playdates, special outings. Get any willing family member/friend to take your first born to do something special, just for them. A friend took Sam for the day and he played his little heart out. He came back refreshed and excited and I got a chance to sleep.
3. Prep some meals in advance- I went into labor too early to do this (I was planning to do it that weekend!) but it is a great idea courtesy of another mother/friend. Pull together some meals that are easy to freeze. That way, when the flurry of friends and family has died down and no more meals are coming your way, you still won’t have to work too hard on dinner. For me, the hardest part of infancy is always after the people stop visiting and real life starts up again (i.e. DINNER, da da daaaaaa). Maybe, if you’re not a cook, buy a stack of frozen pizzas for times when you just can’t do it.
4. Start Teaching Your First Born Ways to Be More Self Reliant- Its inevitable. A second child comes along and the first must step up his game. Try to make a smooth transition by asking more of your child before baby is born. This way he doesn’t wake up one morning having to learn to deal with a new sibling and whats expected from him by mom and dad, too. Start getting her to dress on her own. Leave a cup of water and milk (i.e straw cup with a lid) in the fridge for him to grab on his own when he are feeling thirsty. Put kid dishes in a low cabinet so they can grab them and put them away. Find ways to help them help themselves as early as possible. I think children feel better when they have a few things they can do for themselves.
5. Start Giving Your First Born Chores- I started having my son help empty the utensils from the dishwasher when he two and by the time he was three years old he could do it himself. He started using the swiffer when he was 3 1/3 (and loves it! I wouldn’t eat off the floor, but its more about getting them used to helping out at a young age). He probably could have started that one earlier. He started putting his clothes away in his drawers (with help) and putting his toys away every night shortly after he turned two. Be creative, find ways they can help- even if it means that something won’t be done perfectly. These things not only help you, but they help the child have a sense of pride and accomplishment, too.
6. Birthday Present from Sibling- My son likes to shop and he likes to pick things out for people. It makes him really happy. So I took him to the store and I let him pick out an outfit for Maggie. He gave it to her when we came home and loved it when I dressed her in it. If your child loves to draw, make a welcome sign for her to color.
After Baby Comes Home:
8. Don’t Throw Baby Under the Bus– As you already know, life is much different when the new baby comes. It will be easy to throw baby under the bus. “I’m too tired because I was up all night with your brother.” “I can’t go outside because I’m feeding your sister”. Instead, try to phrase it in such a way that doesn’t create a connection between all their dashed hopes and the new baby. “I’m tired right now and I don’t feel like playing.” Then provide him with a choice of things he can do on his own. “How about we read a book while I feed your sister.” These are subtle differences, but I believe they made a big difference in the way my son viewed our new addition. Which brings me to my next point:
9. Read Books During Feeding Times– this is another great tip from my sister-in-law. Have books set out near where you normally feed baby. When your first born comes around looking for attention, this is a great way to interact with them and entertain them (in a positive and educational way) while you are otherwise occupied with the baby.
10. Baby time/Toddler time- Set aside a time each day when your attention is fully engaged on your first born, possibly while baby is napping. Tell them how long it will be- maybe an hour, maybe twenty minutes. Tell them it is “their time” and play whatever game they want to play, talk about whatever they want to talk about. Just carving out the smallest amount of one-on-one time makes a huge difference in their outlook and behavior. Then, when you need a moment to attend to baby tell your first born its “baby time”. My experience with this was amazing. My son would back off and let me do whatever needed to be done. I can’t say they will all behave this way, but its certainly worth a shot.(oh, and be sure to make a little mommy time too)
11. When You’re Attending to Baby’s Needs Share Stories –My son loves to hear stories about himself as a baby. I found it very helpful to discuss similarities/differences between my two children whenever I thought of them. If you’re feeding baby solids, share a story about when you fed her for the first time. If he used to smile the same way baby does, tell him so. We have a picture of me feeding my first born above our dinner table and one night I had baby dressed in the same outfit. We got a kick out of it and I told him what happened that day. He loves hearing about it, and I think it helps him to identify and understand baby a little better.
12. Have a set of necessities in a few rooms because who wants to get up and go upstairs every single time you change a diaper?
13. Happy Helper Chart– If you find that your child is trying very hard to be helpful, find ways to reward them for doing so. We set up a simple chart with empty squares and every time he did something helpful at my request, he got a star. If he found ways to be helpful on his own, without my prompting, he received two stars. When he filled up a row (about twenty stars) he could choose a reward like going to the movies with daddy, or picking out a toy. I found it was something we could work towards and I think he really appreciated the recognition in addition to the subtle guidance about what mommy finds helpful. Don’t be afraid to take away stars, if you find your first child being the opposite of helpful.
14. Date time/ one on one time with a parent- Set up times for each parent and first born to be alone.
15. Commiserate– when baby is crying a lot, recognize how difficult it is; tell him it bothers you too. Listen and validate his feelings about it. Then both jump in and try to make her feel better together.
16. Be honest with your child– if you’re feeling short tell them so and explain why. You’d be surprised how much a child can understand. Explain that you are not angry at them, but instead, frustrated and tired. Tell them that it’s best to give mommy/daddy a few minutes of quiet time to relax. You might find that they go and play independently for a bit.
17. Quiet boxes/ activities he can direct– here are a few ideas to get you started.
What To Do When Naptime Ceases
Top Learning Toys for Quiet Time and Independent Play
18. Music/Dance time– Turn on the music and let the first born go to town. Its great exercise and fun to watch.
19. Play dates, Play dates, Play dates – Play dates are great for mother and child, both, and are usually free. Arrange as many as you can to get you both out of the house and among the living.
You’re going to make it- and I’ll give you one better- you’re going to love this new little dictator just as much as the first. Its true, you have plenty of room for both.
Any of you veteran mothers have any more advice to share? I’d love to hear it.
kelly stafford 